Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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