I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
