The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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