I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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