Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
