I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
