I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
