did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
