My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
