Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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