Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
do nipples grow back?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
