Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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