I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
