I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
