saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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