ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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