so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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