and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
