My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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