I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
