I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i am craving dick and cupcakes
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
