He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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