I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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