the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
