he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
