You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
