@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
