If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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