So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
