he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
