I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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