apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
