my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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