They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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