It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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