Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
