Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
