My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
