Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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