My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The best revenge is premature balding
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
