Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
