Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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