just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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