I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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