I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
