I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
