there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
