i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
