i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
