I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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