meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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