My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
