I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
