He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
