Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
