I got chris browned last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
