If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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