you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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