Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
