Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
