Swine flu. Run for my life!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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