Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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