I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
