I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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