EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
