At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
