Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He has the fingertips of a God
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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