My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
